For the last five days, I've been thinking incessantly about how I can best humiliate myself.
That sounds insane, so let me explain: I read a lot of writing about writing. As in, writers talking about the writing process, and in particular a lot of the do's and don'ts of writing personal essays. The New York Times has this section in its opinion pages called Draft, which I suspect is a huge snooze for those not interested in writing. It's the opposite for me, obviously. A recent post from Susan Shapiro is the reason why I can't stop thinking about how to humiliate myself. It's called, "Make Me Worry You're Not O.K." and in it, she describes the first assignment she gives her students in feature journalism classes:
Write three pages confessing your most humiliating secret.
Thank Jesus she wasn't one of my journalism professors. One of the worst—and of course, best—experiences I had with journalism class humiliation was the professor who would read aloud our essays to the entire class, not caring at all to mask the sarcasm oozing out of his voice during the sections he found particularly pathetic. So I can only imagine the levels of my anxiety were I asked to write three pages confessing my most humiliating secret to a new professor.
But really, it's genius (and probably why she's been assigning it for more than 20 years). As she says:
It encourages students to shed vanity and pretension and relive an embarrassing moment that makes them look silly, fearful, fragile or naked.
You can’t remain removed and dignified and ace it. I do promise my students, though, that through the art of writing, they can transform their worst experience into the most beautiful. I found that those who cried while reading their piece aloud often later saw it in print. I believe that’s because they were coming from the right place — not the hip, but the heart.
I can't stop thinking about it. Of course, I have written my share of personal shit, but I've never been ballsy enough to write about the worst of the worst, in a sense.
Recently, I wrote an essay that terrified me: It was scary to put the words together; to admit certain feelings I had felt; and above all, scary to draw any sort of conclusions about what had happened. I shared it with exactly three people, who gave me positive enough feedback that I braved submitting it.
Not two days later, I got my rejection email.
I started to go through my usual rejection routine—feeling like a fraud, feeling like no one will ever publish anything I write, feeling like the whole, incredibly personal thing I had agonized over was a bunch of shit. (Dear God, are all writers as fucking sensitive as I am?)
So I said fuck it. Maybe I'll submit it elsewhere, maybe I won't. Or maybe I wrote something that I was brave enough to share with three people, and three people enjoyed it. And maybe that's enough.
Either way, the rejections aren't going to stop me from an attempt to humiliate myself. Again, and again.
To kick off the first poetry slam of 2013, I figured it was a perfect time to get back to one of my favorites, that old asshole Bukowski.
Here's a favorite:
small talk by Charles Bukowski
all right, while we are gently celebrating tonight
and while crazy classical music leaps at me from
my small radio, I light a fresh cigar
and realize that I am still very much alive and that
the 21st century is almost upon me!
I walk softly now toward 5 a.m. this dark night.
my 5 cats have been in and out, looking after
me, I have petted them, spoken to them, they
are full of their own private fears wrought by previous
centuries of cruelty and abuse
but I think that they love me as much as they
can, anyhow, what I am trying to say here
is that writing is just as exciting and mad and
just as big a gamble for me as it ever was, because Death
after all these years
walks around in the room with me now and speaks softly,
asking, do you still think that you are a genuine
writer? are you pleased with what you’ve done?
listen, let me have one of those
cigars.
help yourself, motherfucker, I say.
Death lights up and we sit quietly for a time.
I can feel him here with me.
don’t you long for the ferocity
of youth? He finally asks.
Because I truly cannot think of a better way to kick off Monday Mix Tapes in 2013, I'd like to start all this off with a big, sexy ROAR.
No, really:
In other non-lioness news, after hearing two great new singles from Local Natives—first "Breakers" and then today, "Heavy Feet"—I realized that I really needed to listen to their previous album more. Maybe I'm not the only one?
Either way, here they are, standing on some train tracks (cause of course they're standing on some train tracks) singing "Airplanes":
Oh, and in case you were wondering, the former bassist, Andy Hamm, is of no relation to me. (Thanks for the fun facts, Wikipedia!)
Finally, Laura Mvula has been getting a lot of attention on some of my favorite music blogs (see here and here), and with obvious reason. So, since today I'm apparently in the mood not to post songs actually talked about today—but seriously, listen to her song "Green Garden"—here's her previous single, "She":
Happy Monday! Here's to another year of Monday Mix Tapes! I KNOW you're all excited.
I think I've caught the New Year bug. You know, the one the first week in January, that beautiful time when you can tell yourself, with utter conviction:
This year, I'm going to do it! I'm going to do all those things I planned to do last year, you know, until I sat on my ass for hours and hours watching Breaking Bad in its entirety.
It's in the air. It can't just be me, I know it. Why else would I suddenly have so many yoga and gym membership deals to write at Groupon? Why else would my Gmail inbox be packed with emails that say things like, "Resolve to Reinvent (Your Closet, Your Lifestyle)"; "New year, new skin!" and "The Exercise You Should Do Every Day in 2013"? Like I wrote last January, I really do think there's validity in taking this time, post-holidays, right at the start of the year, to think seriously about goals for the coming year. Last year, I was thinking not only about what I wanted to achieve—more, better writing; a healthier lifestyle (shocking, and so original!)—but also about revisiting old habits and remembering not only things I liked, in general, but what I liked about me.
I have to say that it took pretty much the entirety of 2012 to figure out the latter part of those goals. And, while I didn't write as much—or maybe better put, didn't achieve as much with my writing—as I'd hoped, I actually did something far more important. I got back to being me. That may sound completely cheesy and ridiculous, but it's true. Now, sometimes "me" is a confusing concept. Sometimes I'm not the biggest fan of myself. Sometimes I don't know who the hell I am at all, quite frankly. But as long as I can honestly say to myself, or the cat, or whoever: I'm doing the best I can, and I'm staying true to myself while doing so, well, I think I'm doing okay.
I beat myself up a lot over the last year thinking about this blog in particular, feeling disheartened with it, feeling disheartened with myself over the lack of posts. I had reached a point where I was feeling rather silly about the whole thing, thinking, What am I writing any of this for, anyway? What's the point?
Finally, the other day, I figured out the answer.
I'm writing it for me. That's the point! That was the point all along. Writing and posting on this blog, no matter how silly or how embarrassingly in-depth I discuss a song, or a mouse, or whatever, it's me, writing and putting myself out there. And while I mean it when I say it's for me, I'd also be lying if I said it didn't make my damn day any time someone tells me he or she read a post and enjoyed it, or discovered a new song because of it, or whatever.
I guess what I'm getting at is this. While we're all caught up in a time of New Year's resolutions and goals, while I spend an entire weekend running around my apartment cleaning like a madwoman and doing yoga and trying to read everything at once, that it's also a good time to remember the beauty of just being present. Of not feeling silly because I wrote something personal, published it on the Interwebs, and no one said anything about it. Of not worrying about what bills need to be paid. The beautiful feeling when I stop thinking about all the things I'm not doing, or should have done the day before, and instead think: Today, I drank a smoothie. I did two loads of laundry. I wrote this. Today I felt happy.
That is something. That is enough.
My brother Jay got me this crazy, awesome book for Christmas called Be Here Now. It's about the transformation of Dr. Richard Alpert into Baba Ram Dass, through a spiritual journey that involves yoga, meditation, and probably a fair amount of LSD. So let me end all this with a passage from this trippy book that I never knew existed until I received it as a perfect surprise on Christmas day.
You don't have to have that urge that desire that unfulfilled THING Just let it be Just be be BE Be More MORE MORE What's holding you back? Your thoughts, huh? You've got to give them up Just ego planning What are you doing? Planning for the future? WELL It's all right now But later? ...................... FORGET IT BABY That's later Now is NOW Are you going to BE HERE or not? IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT!
You guys! It's that magical time of year again! No, not Christmas, you geeks! It's that time where I unveil my favorite songs of the year. I know, I know, it's so much more exciting than what anyone else on the Interwebs might possibly be saying.
Now, last year, I went through my top 20 favorites. This year, I felt a special need to stretch that out to 25. But can you really blame me? It's been a hell of a year, music-wise:
Frank Ocean! Sharon Van Etten! Twin Shadow! CAT POWER! Jessie Ware!
So without further ado, and before I basically give away the entire list, here we go. In case you haven't picked up on it, there are a lot of lovely ladies on this bizness—and you are going to love every minute of it, I swear it. (And may I just add that my other wifey, Alicia Keys, recently released a fantastic new album, and it breaks my heart a little that I'm not including a track from there. But! Too late in the game to win me over this time. Sorry boo.)
Deep breath. Here we go:
25. HAIM — "Don't Save Me"
A recent, but nonetheless amazing, discovery I found on one of my favorite music blogs, disco naïveté, who called this track "yet another perfect slice of 2012 pop-but-not-pop." I quite agree. Also: "Baby, don't save me (if your love isn't strong)."
24. Lianne La Havas — "Lost & Found"
This beautiful young lady is one of the many, many examples of how the Brits were killing it this year with some soulful shit. On top of that, I spent one rainy Sunday in April listening to this over and over, finding solace in the fact that apparently I wasn't the only person who could feel all of the feelings she sings in this song. I'm not ashamed to say that I did. The good thing about feeling lost? Eventually you find yourself again. Sometimes that's with the help of beautiful music. Without further weeping:
23. Grizzly Bear — "Sleeping Ute" Pitchfork called this first song from Grizzly Bear's latest album "an unusual explosion of energy," with Daniel Rossen's guitar a "knife slashing through thick sheets of percussion as he croons amidst the clamor." I called it, "ohholyfuckthisisamazing" and I think that is equally accurate ("and I can't help myself").
22. How to Dress Well — "& It Was U"
This. Beat. Over at NPR, Frannie Kelley wrote that this song is "irrepressible, the kind of song that makes you push your partner away on the dance floor so you have enough room to really move." Yes, exactly.
21. First Aid Kit — "To a Poet"
Right from those opening "ooh, ooh, oohs," this song gets me every time. But in particular, "Now I miss you more than I can take/and I will surely break"—but, "there's nothing more to it, I just get through it." It's a lovely, lovely song.
20. THEEsatisfaction — "QueenS"
Discovering THEEsatisfaction this past March was the perfect birthday present. And the takeaway from this track? "Whatever you do, don't funk with my groove." I won't, I swear I won't.
19. The Mountain Goats — "Until I Am Whole"
Because all two minutes and 49 seconds of this song just fucking kills me. Every single part. And that's all I can really say.
18. Kwes. — "bashful."
Back in March, my brother tweeted, "calling it: @alisoncomposes has a new crush." He was talking about Kwes. And boy, was he right. On top of the fact that I didn't stop listening to this song on repeat for about a month straight, well, dare I say that if I was stuck on an elevator with this Brit, I might be...bashful? Yeah, I went there.
17. Santigold — "Freak Like Me"
FREAK LIKE ME, FREAK LIKE ME, YOU A FREAK LIKE ME.
16. Kathleen Edwards — "House Full of Empty Rooms"
I knew Ms. Kathleen would get a spot on this list, but I had one hell of a time narrowing down my favorite from her latest album, Voyageur. Ultimately though, there was something about the way her voice (almost) cracks during these sad confessions, "And I'm far from perfect/I'm far from anything/but I swear when we started/I used to make you happy" that spoke to me the most. Because I think it takes a lot of guts to admit that "I don't know you, not the way that I thought I did," and she does it beautifully.
15. Kendrick Lamar (feat. Dr. Dre) — “The Recipe”
I don't even know where to begin with how much I've been loving Kendrick Lamar this year. Here, paired with Dr. Dre, he just doesn't get any better for me. Women, weed, and weather, amiright?
14. Azealia Banks — "212"
Of all of my many, many lady crushes this year, the one I have on Azealia is possibly the most serious. Is it because no one else has ever declared, "Ima ruin you, cunt" while bouncing around in a Mickey Mouse sweater? Or is it because this song is just thebestthingever? You tell me:
13. Cat Power — "Ruin" Chan, darling. You came back to us with this magic, and for that we are all grateful.
12. Bear in Heaven — "The Reflection of You"
Because pretty much all I did in the month of May was read Bon Iver Erotic Stories, watch Lost, and listen to Bear in Heaven. True story. I got to see Bear in Heaven play at Lollapalooza this year, and even though I was sweating my face off, I loved every single minute of it. This is why:
11. Miguel — "Use Me"
Just when I thought no one was even going to get in Frank Ocean's league this year, Miguel had to release Kaleidoscope Dream. I think technically I'm supposed to say that "Adorn" is my favorite track from the album, but I'm not gonna lie. As I described this track the first day I heard it: This song is the sex. I'll leave you with that.
10. The xx — "Chained" Back in August, this song felt like perfection to me. It's no longer quite as poignant, but I'll be damned if it still isn't almost perfect. It's everything I love about The xx. "It's not a secret you should keep."
9. Twin Shadow — "Five Seconds"
BE STILL MY HEART.
8. Yeasayer — "Longevity" Ian Cohen reviewed Yeasayer's new album, Fragrant World, giving it a measly 5.4 on the ever-important Pitchfork scale, and wrote of this song in particular (with what I can only assume was a self-satisfied sneer) that "the only real friction is that of a square peg plugging into a round hole." I'd just like to say: Whatever, Ian. What the fuck ever. Decide for yourself, guys:
7. Bat for Lashes — "All Your Gold"
Natasha Khan has completely stolen my heart with The Haunted Man (and the fact that I discovered she's a Roald Dahl devotee!). With this song, she makes me feel wistful and defiant and sad and hopeful all at once. And as if it wasn't already devastating enough, she had to go on and dance around on the beach wearing a black-and-white bodysuit.
6. Dirty Projectors — "Gun Has No Trigger"
Because "you'd see a million colors if you really looked." I love this song with every ounce of my being, and don't you dare tell me I'm being dramatic.
5. Jessie Ware — "Sweet Talk"
You wouldn't believe me if I told you just how much I love this song, and Jessie Ware in general. Because: I LOVE HER. This song is exactly what I want from a pop/r&b song. Then there's this video, which is just the cuteness. Yes, the cuteness. It's the right word, trust me:
4. Alabama Shakes — "I Found You"
Brittany Howard might as well be singing about my feelings for this band with this song. Bless you, Alabama Shakes, I finally found you! Well, in reality, I found them last year, when "Hold On" made it to my 2011 best of list. Whatever. Mere details. The point is, we all found the Alabama Shakes this year, and thank Jesus for it. This song makes me want to shake my fist and jump around and weep and scream. All in love, of course.
3. Frank Ocean — "Pyramids"
After falling head over heels for Frank Ocean last year, thanks to Nostalgia, Ultra (and more specifically, "Novacane"), he then decided to go and make channel ORANGE, which was one of the highlights of my year. When I first heard this song, after I got over the beautiful mind fuck that happens over the course of 9 minutes and 53 seconds, I shook my head in amazement and played it again. And again. And again. "Set the cheetahs on the loose."
2. Sharon Van Etten — "Give Out"
You know when I write a damn poem about a song, it's pretty likely it'll end up on this list. (See last year's list for your proof.) The night before I saw Sharon Van Etten's show at Lincoln Hall, I wrote one, largely inspired by the song "Give Out." To reveal how many times I have listened to this song since February would only serve to embarrass me and make you nervous, so I won't. You can figure it all out with the damn poem, probably.
1. Fiona Apple — "Anything We Want"
Hi, have we met? This should really be no surprise at all. FIONA! (You can read all the feelings I feel about Fiona in this previous post.) This July, all my dreams came true when I got to see Fiona Apple perform at the Chicago Theatre. Of all the amazing songs on her new album, this one kills me the most, particularly when I saw her perform it. Oh, holy shit. When she sang, "I looked like a neon zebra shaking rain off her stripes," shaking her whole body, I think the entire crowd died a little. There's something about the way Fiona says, "I wanted you to kiss me when we find some time alone" that is perfection. So I'll leave you all with this, my favorite song of the year. And guys? Just remember: "Look around, it's happening, it's happening, it's happening now."
Hog Butcher for the World,
Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat,
Player with Railroads and the Nation's Freight Handler;
Stormy, husky, brawling,
City of the Big Shoulders:
They tell me you are wicked and I believe them, for I
have seen your painted women under the gas lamps
luring the farm boys.
And they tell me you are crooked and I answer: Yes, it
is true I have seen the gunman kill and go free to
kill again.
And they tell me you are brutal and my reply is: On the
faces of women and children I have seen the marks
of wanton hunger.
And having answered so I turn once more to those who
sneer at this my city, and I give them back the sneer
and say to them:
Come and show me another city with lifted head singing
so proud to be alive and coarse and strong and cunning.
Flinging magnetic curses amid the toil of piling job on
job, here is a tall bold slugger set vivid against the
little soft cities;
Fierce as a dog with tongue lapping for action, cunning
as a savage pitted against the wilderness,
Bareheaded,
Shoveling,
Wrecking,
Planning,
Building, breaking, rebuilding,
Under the smoke, dust all over his mouth, laughing with
white teeth,
Under the terrible burden of destiny laughing as a young
man laughs,
Laughing even as an ignorant fighter laughs who has
never lost a battle,
Bragging and laughing that under his wrist is the pulse.
and under his ribs the heart of the people,
Laughing!
Laughing the stormy, husky, brawling laughter of
Youth, half-naked, sweating, proud to be Hog
Butcher, Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat, Player with
Railroads and Freight Handler to the Nation.
In the last two days, I have watched 15 episodes of Freaks and Geeks.
I had to make myself stop just now. And not because I feel bad about watching 15 episodes of a television show within two days. Because I only have 3 episodes left!
So, taking a break from thebestshowever Freaks and Geeks...
I fell in love with Eddi Front last week after I stumbled across her EP, which happens to include an incredible Nick Cave cover, and more importantly a track called "Texas," which happens to be my personal favorite.
Maybe you've been hip to Eddi Front since July, when I somehow missed Pitchfork talking up her song "Gigantic"—if so, lucky you. Because, this:
Just a tad melancholy... but I have just the thing to perk us all up!
You might not believe that anything could possibly be better than watching 15 episodes of Freaks and Geeks in two days, but I think I've found that one thing. And that thing is Jessie Ware (with a little help) singing a cover of Brownstone's "If You Love Me". That's right. Jessie Ware. Brownstone!
If you love me (say it):
It almost feels like 1994 again, doesn't it? I mean, I'm still wearing dingy flannel and freaking out over a Brownstone song. The only real difference that comes to mind is that now I have boobs. And back then I had no idea why someone wouldn't like you regardless of whether it was dark or light.
Meanwhile, here comes a lady wearing an outfit much more stylish than dingy flannel. (More on Wild Belle, a brother-sister duo from Chicago, here.) And if you don't find this tune catchy as fuck, well then I don't know what to do with you (in the light or the dark).
Happy freezing cold Monday. Maybe next week we'll throw some male musicians in the mix. And that's a big maaaybe. Just kidding, of course we will, cause girls can't be musicians! Oh WAIT...I almost forgot...we still can! We can do whatever we want!
CAUSE BARACK OBAMA IS STILL THE PRESIDENT! PEACE, ROMNEY!
Now that all THAT is off my chest...I gotta go find an old military jacket now...
