Thursday, June 4, 2009

Magical Moments Waiting Tables

Last night was a magical one at Logan Bar and Grill. Simply magical. I am still astounded on a regular basis by the silly, silly things men will say to waitresses.

Here are some of the gems from last night:

Silly Customer: “You know, you’re kind of cute. But you look like a good girl—you know, the kind that would love to talk to my mom about baking. I bet you’re one of those good girls.”

Me: “Uh huh.”

Silly Customer: “So where does a good girl like you go to have fun?”

Me: “Mostly I just stay home, knitting, baking and reading the Bible, thinking about how much I’d like to meet your mom.”

This is the point where I pretend I am very busy and important and scurry away. May I just add that this conversation occurred shortly after this man whined to me that his Grey Goose Pear and cranberry cocktail (“with two limes, please, sweetheart”) was too weak.

A) Don’t call me sweetheart. B) Don’t drink that. Ever. C) Shut up and drink your damn cocktail.

Luckily, we ran out of his precious pear vodka after his second cocktail, and his friend had his fill of pear ciders, so they asked for their tab. Thus ensued the next fun exchange:

Silly Customer, who we'll now call GG Pear and Cran Fool: “I hope you put your number on our check so we can go out sometime.”

Me: “Yeah, but it’s for your mom.”

GG Pear and Cran Fool: “You’re breaking my heart, sweetheart. Can I ask you something?”

UGGH. NOW WHAT. I nod and pray that this guy will give me his effing money as quickly as possible.

“What’s your favorite pizza topping?”

Do I really need to go on? Apparently he “read” somewhere that this was a great pickup line. Then, to make my night even more exciting, he went outside to have a smoke, and told two other guys I was waiting on to ask me that question as well. They did. Then they asked me to describe myself in one sentence. UGGH. I don’t need a sentence, just two words:

“Not interested.”

Later on, a guy who'd been sitting at the bar came up to me and said, “Do you find me attractive?”

HA! Now that one is just funny. After I busted out laughing, he said, “I think you’re pretty attractive, but I guess I’d better tell you that I live with my girlfriend. I think we should start out by being honest.”

This is my life.


  1. Oh my...what a horrific way to spend the day.

    The pizza line has to be the LAMEST thing I've ever heard. Brandon once asked me while we were at the Cracker Barrel and he was smearing jelly on his toast, "Sweetie, are you legs as spreadable as my grape jelly?" I think I had actually said something along the same lines to him 5 minutes beforehand. See. Lame ass pick-up lines are just NOT our style.

  2. I am positive this post is a complete fabrication. There is no such thing as a grey goose pear and cranberry with two limes. The execs over at Snapple are laughing you out of the building right now. Next time, make up a slightly more believable concoction.

  3. I wish I had the creative energy to fabricate this drink, Jay. I wish.

    I wish all of last night was a fabrication, as a matter of fact. Except the part where I walked out with 200 bucks.

    Hey Abbs, what's your favorite pizza topping? Wink wink.

  4. Was that guy with the live-in girlfriend Dave? I feel like he would do something like that...only more awkward.

    Is it too soon to mention that I really like GG Pear and Cranberry? Waa waaaaa...

  5. Umm, the pizza topping guy totally stole that line from some douchebag on The Bachelorette this season. Definitely don't date guys that get their tips from The Bachelorette.

  6. HA! That is fantastic. Fantastic and terrible. and hilarious.