It's a Monday Miracle!

Great start to the week!

I overslept. I put on mismatched socks. Then I realized they were inside out. Did I fix this? Of course not. Thought I'd boost my mood by wearing a new shirt. Feeling pretty good about this, then I look in the mirror, only to discover I have become five months pregnant. Overnight! It's a miracle!

I guess the cooks at work knew something I didn't—they kept repeatedly wishing me a happy mother's day last night, even though I've told them, repeatedly, I don't have children. I am a child. I have no business pro-creating. "But you will someday!" Antonio says. Oh, right. I forgot. I have a uterus! I better use it! Throw away the oral contraceptives, ladies! Free love for everyone! Time for a baby!

But, after working two doubles this weekend, I was too tired to fight about my uterus and such, so I just shook my head and shrugged. The response:

"You might not be a momma, but you are a MAMACITA!"

Then he gave all the servers a free piece of banana cake. So really, everyone wins.

Now, back to my miracle illusion pregnancy. I'm thinking I should use this unflattering shirt to my advantage. I have to work tonight. And who would you tip better: a pregnant young waitress in a pretty flowery maternity blouse, or an un-pregnant young waitress in a poorly fitted shirt? I think we all know the answer to that question.

And that is why I will be rubbing my belly as I talk to my customers, and loudly talking with the other servers about baby names.

It's genius.

By the way, I made it up the escalator safely this morning. I know you were all worried.