Friday, May 22, 2009

Bees on Blow

I will never look at a bee the same way again. Please, please read this.

So when you’re at some Memorial Day picnic this weekend, this is what the bees will be saying:

“Oh, my God, you gotta try this pollen. It’s so fucking . . . it’s better than the nectar, even. This is the best fucking pollen I’ve ever had. God, I so badly wanna just go sting the fuck out of someone, you know? Just land on their ass and sting. . . . I’m so fucking jazzed right now. And then I hope they’re allergic and they just blow up! We gotta get out of this hive, we gotta get mobile . . . 'Going Mobile'! The Who was a good band. Let’s go find a picnic or some sunbathers or something. . . . I’d love some coconut suntan lotion or a . . . beer. Wouldn’t you love a six-pack of Stella Artois right now? That’s the best beer. Stel-la!”

I’m sitting at my desk giggling my ass off. Thank you, Noah Baumbach.

“Oh, my God, there’s a picnic. Let’s totally go there right now. . . . I think this fat kid’s allergic . . . I’m so going to sting him! Oh, my God, he’s totally swatting me . . . did you see that dude’s face! Fucking hilarious. He was all, like, 'It’s a bee, it’s a bee!' And his mom was all, like, 'Don’t aggravate him!' Aggravate him is right! I’ll go ballistic on you, tubby! Marlon Brando! Stel-la! Got it. I’m on fire. Let’s do another line. I don’t know, behind that hibiscus, I don’t give a fuck. What do you mean, I did the last of it? I just need a bump.”

It’s a bee, it’s a bee! HA!

I think we now know how Bee Movie could have been a lot funnier.

1 comment:

  1. Of course Baumbach is writing about stoned bees in the New Yorker.