Thursday, February 11, 2010

That's Enough, John Mayer

Really, John Mayer? Really?

Apparently a "candid" interview with Playboy means John Mayer proves what an asshole he really is.


PLAYBOY: If you didn’t know you, would you think you’re a douche bag?

MAYER: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.

PLAYBOY: Because you’re very?

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’"

PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.

MAYER: What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.
Holy crap. You have "a fuckin' David Duke cock," whaaaaaaat? Your parents must be SO proud, John.

Well, John Mayer, we all already thought you were a douche, but now, thanks to your "candid" interview, I've come to a few more conclusions about you:

1. You're an asshole.

2. Just cause you were funny on the Chappelle show once upon a time doesn't give you a free pass to drop N-bombs in interviews. Good Lord. Where is your class?

3. I imagine that those goofy fucking faces you make on stage are pretty similar to the ones you make when you're constantly masturbating. I don't care how many hit pop songs you create, I have always assumed (and now am convinced) that you are absolutely horrific in the sack. Enjoy your super white penis, John Mayer.

PLAYBOY: Masturbation for you is as good as sex?

MAYER: Absolutely, because during sex, I’m just going to run a filmstrip. I’m still masturbating. That’s what you do when you’re 30, 31, 32. This is my problem now: Rather than meet somebody new, I would rather go home and replay the amazing experiences I’ve already had.
PLAYBOY: You’d rather jerk off to an ex-girlfriend than meet someone new?

MAYER: Yeah. What that explains is that I’m more comfortable in my imagination than I am in actual human discovery. The best days of my life are when I’ve dreamed about a sexual encounter with someone I’ve already been with. When that happens, I cannot lay off myself.
Yeesh. I'm just ... so uncomfortable. "I cannot lay off myself" — really? Is it possible John Mayer isn't aware of the goofy fucking faces he makes? 

La Toya Tooles at Broadsheet wrote a kickass response to John Mayer's comments. An excerpt:

So maybe it's worth asking yourself, John: What is it about a black woman that turns you off? What is it about an entire race that causes your member to shrink? Black women come in so many shapes, sizes and skin tones. Does the hair intimidate you a little bit? Don't like things dipped in chocolate? Afraid to bring us home to mama?

Or maybe it's history. There is a lot of history between black women and white men, and it would be an understatement to say it's not very good. But I work to get past it: I push beyond the Mammy image, the welfare-queen persona and the caricature of angry black women to love myself. I struggled to identify and define myself in spite of the lousy stereotypes to which your penis apparently subscribes. I have looked past slavery, white-only water fountains and the joke that is George Bush to find white men attractive; I don’t define all of you by this history.

I can do all this because I've been to some uncomfortable places within myself in order to address my own prejudice. I have come to admit my irrational hatred for blondes and my burning desire to exploit all white men who show any amount of weakness. I see this sin within myself -- I regret it, I apologize for it and I work daily to rise above it. I wish you could do the same, John. But for now, I'm through with you and your music. I can't accept that somewhere, in your pants, a small part of you won’t accept a very big part of me.

Who knew Chris Griffin of Family Guy was such a forward thinker? If we'd taken the advice he spray painted on that cartoon wall five years ago, we could have avoided all this.

That's enough, John Mayer.


  1. I saw like three twitter posts about this and I think you summed it up best. Thanks for the re-cap. You are SO in the know! :)

  2. Don't thank me, thank fictional cartoon character Chris Griffin!

  3. I went to a John Mayer/Counting Crows concert in the summer of 2003 and even from my seat way in the back of the lawn I was like "what the hell is he doing with his face?!"

  4. I'm surprised that people can't take a joke and take what he says at face value instead of overanalyzing it. He was doing an immense job of being hilarious and, as called in this day and age, a troll.

    I'm a white guy and I happen to find black women extremely sexy. If that's not for John, then good on him for being honest. Honesty is what this world seems to be lacking nowadays. And good on him for not feeling he had to be "P.C." by sugar-coating his feelings. If the man isn't turned on by black chicks, he's not turned on by them - I don't see the need to feel so defensive over it.