Wanted: Exercise Motivation for a Lazy, Poor, Beer Lover.

Please. Someone. Help.

In case you don't know me, I am said lazy, poor, beer lover. And I need to exercise. Apparently I only have five years left before my metabolism completely hits the shitter, my beer gut really becomes a beer gut, and my belly ring is officially 100 percent ridiculous. (I'd say now that I'm 25, it's currently at approximately a 75 percent ridiculousness level.)

Now, if you're over 3o and are reading this, please know I'm not trying to be insulting. It's just that all the exercise magazines I buy and read while laying on my couch eating pudding snacks tell me that in your 20's, your metabolism is at its peak. I decided completely on my own that my belly ring is pretty ridiculous at this point in time.

Yesterday I was walking down the beach by the lake, surrounded by all these lunatics jogging, running, rollerblading, bicycling, or playing sports. I panicked. Is this what other 20-somethings do while I lay around with my cats watching It's Always Sunny episodes?

I looked down at my pale, non-existent bicep and made my decision. "It's time to change my lifestyle," I thought. "Join the lunatics!"

Just then, I saw a sign: Chicago Boot Camp. Perfect! I'll take the plunge and be a joiner for once in my life. I'll get fit. I'll get motivated.

Then I looked closer at the sign. EVERY WEEKDAY AT 6 AM SHARP!

Fuuuuuuuuck.

Yet, for a brief moment, I envisioned myself running down the beach at 6 a.m., surrounded by like minded, motivated, healthy people. It was a great 20 second daydream.

Yeah, right. Like I'm going to get out of bed before the hour of six and run down the beach while some crazy trainer screams at me. I can't run. Let's be honest here: They're called boobs. It's not fun for me.

What am I going to do? Life was so much easier when I was forced to workout at the start of volleyball or softball season. I also had my 16-year-old metabolism working for me.

So. Clearly I'm not going to do boot camp. I can't afford a gym membership. However, I am a big fan of the workout tape, starting from back when I was about eight, doing Jane Fonda's Workout tape with my mom while Jay sat on the couch eating potato chips and making fun of us.

In recent years, I've upgraded to the workout DVDs, and have such marvels as the Self Bikini Ready Fast and Fat Burning Pilates (which I miraculously made it through today, as Mufasa sat on the couch and glared at me). Also, in one of my many moments of insanity, I bought a Crunch Cardio Dance Blast DVD, but after tripping over myself in my living room once or twice while trying to follow the foot movements and hip swivels, I admitted to myself that maybe "dance blast" wasn't the workout for me. The Bikini Ready fast is actually a great workout. The only problem is that I do it once, then my thighs hurt for an entire week and I don't exercise again for another month.

But TRUST, I still have my Jane Fonda VHS tape. To make it even cooler, it's a recorded VHS tape.

So. I have the workout materials. What's needed is the motivation. How do I get this motivation? Please advise.

In the meantime, check out Jane's leg warmers. What a babe!