Cry me a river.

"Ladies, if you're in the habit of driving yourselves home after having a few, convinced you can talk your way out of a DUI -- think again."

So starts Zach Christman's article regarding escalating DUI arrests of women in Chicago. The Sun-Times reported that the rise in arrests of women "probably reflects a change in attitude by police."

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for it. I think it's ridiculous that a police officer would let a woman get off from a DUI for simply being a woman. Certainly, you shouldn't be able to cry your way out of a ticket. It only perpetuates sexist treatment of women if we take advantage of the system in such a way. Of course, I'm sure I probably would burst into tears if I got caught drinking and driving--but not because I'm a woman trying to talk my way out of it. I'd start crying because I would know my dumbass was in some major trouble. But that's beside the point. I cry if my cat looks at me the wrong way. I'm a crier. Yet I do understand that some women admittedly purposely try crying to get out of tickets. I'm not pretending this doesn't happen.

HOWEVER. Is it really necessary for this writer to start his article with such a condescending tone? If you're going to talk about women crying their way out of tickets, you better back it up with evidence, as the Sun-Times did when the article mentioned video surveillance. That's fine. I get it. It happens: Some women cry. Some women try to beg their way out of tickets. But I'm pretty sure if I asked my brother Tom, a police officer, he'd tell me that men try to plead their way out of tickets too.

So can we cut the patronizing bullshit, please? This is so unnecessary:

"Women who plead and cry don't get a break like they used to.

So ladies, if you're getting behind the wheel, keep the tap closed -- both on your water works and the one behind the bar."

Thanks, buddy. I'll try to keep the tap closed on my water works. Even his use of the term "ladies" feels insulting to me. Insulting and annoying.

So, LADIES, here's my advice:

Don't drink and drive. Obviously. Cabs are lined up outside bars in Chicago for a reason. Use them.

Don't ever feel bad for crying, but for God's sake, don't do it to weasel out of a ticket. I want to be treated equally ALL the time, not just when it's convenient for me.

Okay. Whew. I feel better now. I haven't ranted about anything in a week or two. I was actually a little excited when I felt those first twinges of annoyance as I read this article.

I'M BACK!