Yet another example of why my pops is the SH*T

Have I mentioned recently how Poppa Hamm is the coolest? Well, he is.

I was talking to him earlier tonight about my job search, how I can’t pay my rent, and so on. Then I mentioned how I was frustrated because I’d been asked to rewrite an article for my internship (you know, the article I had major writer’s block over)—because apparently, as all writers face from time to time, the editors thought it was way off the mark.

It’s upsetting to get that kind of feedback from an editor any time, but even more degrading when it was an article you wrote for FREE. So my first thought when I got the email to rewrite it was, “I have to prove that I’m not a bad writer! I have to write the shit out of this rewrite!”

But then I started actually trying to rewrite it. This mostly led to me increasing the premature frown wrinkle between my eyebrows as I frowned at the Word document that’s now really brightly colored from all the various editors’ track changes.

So my thoughts changed to, “Why am I doing this?” My internship is over. This company is not hiring me. Outwardly, I said, “Fuck it!” and pushed my Macbook away from me in a hissy fit. Then I remembered I was in a crowded coffee shop. (Of course I was at a coffee shop. And not Starbucks. White people point!)

That was about the time I decided to call my pops. After explaining the situation to him, I asked if he thought I should rewrite the story. His response?

“Al, sorry if this is too blunt, but: FUCK NO!”

Hee hee. I knew my tendency to say ‘fuck’ a lot had to come from somewhere.

Greg Hamm then proceeded to go on a rant about how if they wanted me to rewrite it, they could either pay me or do it themselves, and told me if I rewrote it for free he would disown me.

Sold. I’m not rewriting it.

My dad’s awesome.

Looks like I just scored another white people point!

Stuff White People Like finally updated with a new post, Where the Wild Things Are, furthering the evidence that I am the ultimate white person. (Please read my Love in the Time of Cholera post for your proof.)

From #127 Where the Wild Things Are:

"It is a guarantee that whenever it is announced that a popular book is being turned into a movie, white people will get upset. This is partly due to their fear that something they love will be made accessible to more people and thus enjoyed by more people which immediately decreases the amount of joy a white person can feel towards the original property. Yes, it’s complicated.

The other problem is that these announcements create a ticking time bomb where by a white person must read the book in ADVANCE of the release of the movie. This is done partly so that they can engage in the popular activity of complaining about how the movie failed to capture the essence of the book. But more importantly, once a book has been made into a movie, a white person can no longer read that book. To have read the book after the movie is one of the great crimes in white culture, and under no circumstances should you ever admit to doing this. Literally dozens of white friendships have imploded when it was revealed that someone read Fight Club after 1999."

Another point they should have mentioned: Under no circumstances should you buy the edition of the book with the movie cover. This automatically results in scorn from other white people, who will assume you are committing the great crime of reading the book after you've seen the movie. The only time this is acceptable is when you are me, and you buy the copy of Atonement with James McAvoy on the cover, because James McAvoy is hot. The white people points I lose by this admission are immediately balanced out by the fact that I recently have vowed to learn Spanish and always answer "poquito" when asked if I hablo Espanol (see #115 Promising to Learn a New Language for details).

You'll find more evidence about my high score in white people points here. But do I lose white people points for liking Miracle Whip and Kool-Aid?

I’m an adult again!

Today marked Day 2 of my internship at Imagination, and even though I am most likely going to have no social life for the next three months, it is already worth it. It’s amazing how much more of a sense of self-worth and purpose I get from having my own desk (equipped with a Mac and phone!) as opposed to, you know, carrying my tray of beers across the bar. But really, any job that doesn’t require refilling ketchup bottles and asking “chips, fries, or veggies?” is pretty appealing at this point. I am, of course, quite grateful that I still have said job, because although I get my own Mac, phone, and new found sense of purpose at my internship, I don’t get a paycheck. Hence, the lack of social life for the next few months: my schedule will be intern, wait tables, intern, wait tables.

But the experience will make it worth it. More importantly, thanks to my unpaid internship, I am now officially the best white person EVER:

“White people view the internship as their foot into the door to such high-profile low-paying career fields as journalism, film, politics, art, non-profits, and anything associated with a museum. Any white person who takes an internship outside of these industries is either the wrong type of white person or a law student. There are no exceptions.”

Next time you talk to me, please make sure to tell me “I earned it.” I won’t get the joke. I’ll be too busy listening to Bob Marley, being offended, correcting your grammar (you bet your ass I use an Oxford comma!), and thinking about, but not actually watching, soccer. (I’ll be the white girl wishing I had bangs, wearing a scarf, eating hummus, and drinking a microbrew.)

I could keep going. Did I mention I started listening to Bob Marley in sixth grade?

You might now be thinking, “Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?”:

In case I just bummed you out...

Some solace: PB and J. White people dancing! Hoorah!




Whew. I feel better already. Don't you?

Moleskine notebooks

I guess it’s time for me to upgrade from my $1 Composition notebook to a Moleskine.

You know you've seen this before:

“One of the strangest side effects has been the puzzling situation whereby a white person will sit in an independent coffee shop with a Moleskine notebook resting on top of a Apple laptop. You might wonder why they need so many devices to write down thoughts? Well, if a white person has a great idea, they write it by hand, if they have a good idea, it goes into the computer.”

True. So true.