So, if you're feeling brave enough to jump into the high school version of my brain, read my poem after the jump. It's called Girl Talk.
I was lonely, lonely in a way I’m just afraid to sayneeding that female bond, that reassurance, that thing
that I’m sorry, boys, you just can’t give me.
But my mom’s been gone for so damn longand you talk to your brother different than a sisterWhy don't I just call my girlfriends and tell them I miss them?
I’m not well-versed in this thing they call Girl Talk.
Understand, I tried, but I spilled all my secrets back in the dayand then this girl, my best friend, my sister—she gave them away
Like they were hers to give, like I didn’t deserve themSo I locked up that part of me, I threw it away
Cause how can I bare my soul to you when you just use it against me?
I talked like a girl, I did the girl talkI told the girls my secrets, I gave them all my dirtThey swore and they promised
then threw it out, stepped all over my hurt
The words got twisted, my emotions got flippedNext thing I know, I’m both a cocktease and a cuntShe said that you said that he said that she said
That…Shut the fuck up!You’re a tramp and a slut!
Tell me what happenedWhy you calling me a bitch, bitch?
Can’t say it to my face, you wait till I’ve passedand call out the names at my back
Girl talk, this.
It’s me, back there, 16 and scaredI tell you a secret then you twist it and flip itHe says I did this, now you think I’m a tramp
So I trusted no girls with my secrets,ever again!
I saved them all for my motherWho would never betray my trustBecause my words were her words and hers were mine
Understand? She would listen, and talk out my hurtIf I admitted a fault,she still saw to my heart
I erased the rest, stepped away from that packBecause once I gave those girls my secretsI could never get them back.
But then my mama diedand I’m left with this hole.
18 and alone,mother-daughter thrownNo friends to be my sistersNo sisters to be girlfriends
Now, that’s kinda a lieI still had some great girls to talk to
But girl talk could never quite be the sameafter I was 16 and changedby spilling my heart and then getting called outas if I were the enemy:the slut, the cunt,the bitch, the tease,always on her kneesI heard she fucked him and sucked himand let him do what to her?
These girls, you girls, you said stuff I didn’t even know
Did I make you feel that low?I tried so hard to fit in like the restBut my awkwardness got me called a snob
I wanted to talk to you like I could talk to the boysI grew up with brothers, so GI Joes were more my kinda toysYou know, I still played with Barbie tooBut then Skipper told her I fucked Kenand she kicked me out of her pink Corvette
So I’m left, againin this maze of the girl talkLadies, we’re supposed to be sisters, friends!How can we do that when we lie and pretend?Bitch this, slut thatSlurs on bathroom stallsWhispers in locker roomsand no loyalty at all.
Damn, high school sure can be rough.
All this I’m spillingCause last night I saw one of them.This girl I forgot existeduntil I saw her again:Waiting tables, I have to wait on HERAnd suddenly I’m 16 againwalking down the high school hall
She waits till I pass, then she throws it at my back:
“THERE GOES THE WHORE!”
Oh wait, that’s what happened way back then
I looked in her eyes, I felt the heat on my faceI wondered if she knew this pain I couldn’t erase
That still, if I see girls huddled together,talking in low whispersI worry it’s me they’re talking aboutFor years my heart raced from feeling so out of placeI’d stay up nights hearing those insults, those names
But she didn’t call me a name—She just smiled, and said,
“How are you?”
So I tried to smile back, and put my teenage self awayI thought of my mother, my cheerleader, my friendRemembered all the ladies who never betrayed my painfor another cruel teenager’s gain
Cause girls talk, boys talk, women talk, men talkMostly we’re all just trying to sort out our own thing
and after all, a name is just a name.