Bridesmaid Panic Attack

Once upon a time, or in reality, five years ago, I had a borderline panic attack at a David's Bridal. The next day, I wrote about it.

I've been looking back through a lot of my old writings lately, thinking more about my plans for my book (you know, that one I talk about all the time), and although I'd like to say I would write this essay better now, I decided to share it here exactly as I wrote it that day five years ago.

Mostly because I hope, if you're reading this, and you're in the middle of this place I was in five years ago, missing someone you've lost, feeling alternately terrified and pissed off, to know this: It does get better. I promise. I also hope you have someone like my aunt to come rescue you.

with the beautiful bride

And the other good news—I managed to find a dress that fit.

But I still fucking hate David's Bridal.

Read the essay after the jump.

Seriously, Newsweek?

Really, Newsweek? REALLY?

I can't even believe I read this entire article. "Like a virgin no more?" Is this a joke? Did Newsweek actually publish this silliness?

The breaking news:

"Two decades ago, when young girls wondered how brides were supposed to look and behave, they'd most likely conclude—with some prompting from Cinderella—that on their big day they'd be a princess. They'd be blushing, virginal and wrapped from head to toe in tulle and lace.

So why is it that these days, some brides seem to be taking their cues more from Jessica Rabbit than Cinderella? More vamp than virgin, they're having bachelorette parties that are as raunchy as their fiancés' sendoffs. They're selecting cleavage- or lower-back-baring bridal gowns that might get a gasp from conservative relatives."

Like, OMG! Bachelorette parties as raunchy as their fiancés'? And are women, like, working outside of the home these days, too? I didn't know we were allowed to do that!

But aside from the silly "revelations" that television characters like Murphy Brown liberated women to have "racy bachelorette parties" and that the white gown no longer symbolizes virginity—what? you mean people are having sex before marriage?!—I just DON'T CARE.

Could you please write about something a little more NEWS worthy, NEWSweek? Quit wasting my time.

Here's what my girlfriend had to say about it:

"Are we seriously supposed to be scandalized by back-bearing dresses and cheesy bachelorette parties with penis straws? Come on now. But apparently this article is less about how immodest brides are, and more about moral panic over women in general."

Newsweek has now shattered my dreams of being a princess, "blushing, virginal and wrapped from head to toe in tulle and lace" on my wedding day. Dammit. I guess I have to be a whore now.

Those are my two options, right?

The 'aww' factor

Last night I was talking to this couple who are getting married next month, and they were so happy and in love, talking about their wedding, that I actually said, “Awww.”

And meant it.

But Jesus, they were talking about being best friends, and you could tell it was actually true. They even looked a little teary eyed! It was so heartwarming that I actually found myself being genuinely interested in their wedding plans. I was so stunned by it all, I accidentally gulped down half of my Tecate in one drink.

Basically what I’m saying is that I’m not always the angel of doom. I think I’m growing.

But I still think diamond rings are bullshit.